Tuesday, October 13, 2009

secrets

I absolutely adore being Kate's godmother. I know she's only 14 months, and while she does think I am cool, she also thinks the giant red ball-like blocades outside of Target are cool. So I guess for now, it's more me thinking she's cool.

This weekend, I went over to play with Kate and Jack because I hadn't seen them in two weeks, which is a long time in our little world. When I arrived, Kate and Jack were napping so Felicia and I caught up. Then we could hear Kate talking to herself so Felicia got up and I could hear here saying, "Guess who is here??? Auntie Andy!"

Within a few minutes, I could hear two little feet running down the hall and then a little munchkin voice saying "Hiiiiiiii!" before she ran to me and insisted on getting up in my lap. We spent the next four hours playing and giggling and shopping online. Don't worry - Jack got PLENTY of attention too!

At the end of the night, as she was getting ready to go to bed, Kate came around and gave each of us a goodnight kiss. And while I watched her toddle off to bed, I started to miss her. I love when she wants me to hold her ... I love when she puts her hands on my cheeks and stares at me, smiling ... I love when she wants to wear my jewelry ... I love when I am sitting on the ground talking and she walks over and just plops down between my legs and just hangs ... and I love when I give her raspberries on her stomach and she can't breathe she is laughing so hard.

There is something special to me knowing that she is my goddaughter - like it's this secret we share, and will share forever.

Friday, October 9, 2009

you're only as old as you feel

When I turned 30 last year, I cannot tell you how many people told me, "Oh come on ... 30 is YOUNG!" I am here to tell you - it's not. I swear to god, in the last year, my body got old. Case in point:

One day I looked in the mirror and despite a decent-night's sleep, I had dark circles under my eye. Until that day, I had never visited the eye cream section of my local drugstore. After looking through the seemingly endless choices, I settled on one and now faithfully apply it each night before bed.

I live in a two-story townhouse. In the mornings, when walking downstairs, I look like someone's grandma. My joints take a good 20 minutes to losen up and until then, me walking is not a good idea.

Two weekends ago my sister Lindsay and I helped move my grandmother from her house into a retirement community apartment. The next day, as the words, "Oh my god, my back hurts!" flew out of my mouth, I cringed. I sound just like my dad, or my elderly friend Adam. Like what the hell??? My back hurts now!

I fall asleep with the tv on, or in the middle of a movie. I am now my mother. Enough said.

On the drive home from work, I often can't handle listening to music. It's almost too much after a day spent listening to people in the office. So I turn on talk radio ... which I hated as a kid! My dad would turn it on during our drives home from Carmel and Marin and my sisters and I would protest by playing with our pocket Simon until my dad yelled at us.

I can't recover from a hangover like I used to. If I am going to drink, I have to make sure the entire next day is free and clear so that I can lay in bed cursing god for making me drink.

I am taking a cake decorating class - and I don't care that I am by far the youngest person there, minus the 15 year old there with her mom. My 20-year old self wouldn't have been caught dead at Joann's Etc on a Wednesday night.

I listen to KIIS-FM and have to ask my younger roommates who is singing the song we're listening to. And then when they reply, I still have no idea who they are talking about.

My girlfriends and I come home for the evening, and as we are driving home yawning, everyone else is just leaving their house, ready to begin the night.

So let's just be honest with each other ... I'm old!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

spinning

The world revolves around me.

There - I said it.


And when I say the world revolves around me, I don't mean to imply that I am the center of the universe. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I am stuck. And I don't know what to do. How to be unstuck. I feel like the world keeps revolving - people around me keeping moving, and I am standing still, unsure of how to move forward.

I know I need a change. I even know what I need to change - I'm just not sure how to go about it. I have moments where I feel myself, and feel like I am making progress ... and then I take the proverbial two steps back. And I'm frustrated.

I guess this is my version of a mid-life crisis, minus the shiny red convertible and hot young girlfriend. I'm unhappy, unsatisfied with where I want to be - I want more. I want change.

I hope you will bear with me as I try to figure this all out. Tonight, while lying in a hot, dark bath tub, I told myself to use this blog to talk about my feelings, even if no one reads it. I have always been a writer, and writing helps me feel better, even if only temporarily.

So I will write ... and hope that one day soon, the world will start revolving ... with me in it.