muscial memories

I love music.

I love hearing the first few notes of a song, and instantly being trasported back in time, to a memory, clear as day.

The ability of music to make us remember a time, an emotion, a place, a person is remarkable.

Today, while driving home, I put my iPod on shuffle. As I was passing through Long Beach, The Kingston Trio's "Tom Dooley" came on. As soon as I heard the banjo strumming, I knew what it was.

When my sisters and I were young, we used to pile into our dad's Mercury Sable, and later our mom's cherry red Suburban for trips to visit or grandmother in Marin County and our grandparents in Carmel. I always had a window seat (I do get car sick!) and we did our best to entertain ourselves, but this was before cars had personal DVD players and we didn't all have walkmans.

Instead, we were forced to listen to our parents' music, which inevitably consisted of a recorded tape - one side The Kingston Trio and the other, The Limelighters. If you are into folk music, you know who I am talking about. Now, my parents had really good taste in music - I owe my love of Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, Rod Stewart, Cat Stevens, etc to them (Abba too!), but for some reason this was the road trip tape.

My sisters and I grew to appreciate folk music, and to this day, it's not uncommon to hear us recite the words to Tom Dolley verbatim.

Hearing the banjo instantly brought me back to 80, driving to Novato with two sisters, and a mom and dad. A family.

I miss it everyday.

run, run, run!

For the past three weeks, I have been training for a 5k as part of Cool Running's "Couch to 5k" Plan. And while my weight-loss may not be noticeable and I haven't run three straight miles quite yet ... the difference this plan has made in and on me is amazing.

My stamina is back. I feel better, happy. My blood pressure is down. And my mood-swings are less. I know the weight loss will follow, and I am okay with that for now.

For the first time in a long time, I was frustrated with something at work today (wait, that's not the first time in a long time) and I thought to myself, "Ugh, I can't wait to get home and run!"

So chipped knee, fractured toe, and toxic Helberta House be damned. I am back!

a tale of two girls ...

Once upon a time, a young couple was blessed with their second child, a little girl named Carrie. About six months later, in another suburb of Sacramento, their best friends were blessed with their first child, also a girl. Naturally, the two babies played together:

And as they grew older, they became best friends. They had the first can of soda together. Ate Nerds together. Played with their Cabbage Patch Kids. Escaped snakes. Survived being babysat by Tyler and Shaun. Put up with younger siblings. Shopped for tye-dye "leggos" with their dads. Roasted marshmellows. Made up cheerleading routines. Drank champagne with their moms when they turned 16. Watched their parents divorce and remarry. Graduated from college. Visited each other when their families moved from Sacramento. Celebrated new apartments. Met new boyfriends. Got attacked by crazies in line for the bathroom. Sang along with Van Morrison.

And then one day ... one of them met an amazing guy. She came over to her friend's house and showed her the guy's picture on the internet. She agreed he was cute. Then she met him, and liked him even more.

Soon after, the girl and the boy decided to get married. Everyone was excited - how could they not be? And the girl asked her friend to stand with her as she embarked on this new chapter of her life.

... and so it began, their next memory in the making.

hurt

In the past six months, I have received unkind emails from both my grandparents and an uncle - both of which declared they wanted nothing to do with me. I have had a sister stop speaking to me. And a mother who excluded me from a family celebration.

Growing up, I always thought your family loved you unconditionally. I thought they were the people you leaned on when you were done. Were happy with when you were sad. Not mine.

If someone asked me to describe my family today, I would tell them that my family has caused me more pain and saddness than anything else I've ever encountered. Unless I am who they want me to be, they want nothing to do with me.

I'm struggling. I'm struggling a lot. When the tears dry, I turn to the people who do love me. I have people who I call my "family," even though we don't share any of the same blood and while some may say we aren't related, these people love me and support me, in the good times and the bad.

It is these people who make me who I am today. I have bad moments, like I am having right now, but those people are there for me. I hope they know who they are, and I hope they know how much I love them.

My only hope is that someday I will be fortunate to have my own family and that no matter who they are, or what they do, I will love them just the same. I will hug my children and tell them that I love them. I will support my new siblings and be there for them.

I never want anyone I love to ever feel like this.

spring forward

Spring has arrived in Southern California! As I type, I am wearing a sundress and sweating. Yeah, that didn't come out like I wanted it to. Point is, it is gorgeous here in Redondo Beach - the sun is shining, the birds are chriping (literally), and the Goodyear Blimp is passing by.

In honor of spring, I thought I would feature my patio. Like any good "city" apartment, my patio is small, but it gets great light and it is a perfect place for me to read in the morning. I had held off on doing much of it, but when my mom visisted she brought me a box of things I had taken from my grandma's house when we helped her move into a senior apartment community.

My grandma had a ton of statuaries (sp?) in her garden and while I am not particularly religious, I love religious artifacts. When I went to put them out, I laughed because all of her items are western-based, while my Buddhas are all eastern. I like the ending result ... very balanced, yin and yang :)

Please ignore the dirt, I just watered. And the empty Talavera pot - I just planted a New Mexio cactus garden that should bloom in three weeks. Oh! And I would be remiss if I didn't point out the custom-made trellis my mom decided I HAD to have! Enjoy ...

design on a dime

When I made the decision to move out on my own, I looked at a lot of aparments, but something about this place stuck with me. It was the perfect amount of space, had the amenities I was looking for, and my manager is pretty much the best manager EVER!

My two reservations were a) the lack of storage space and b) the long length of the living room. After talking with some friends and family, I was able to solve issue "a" with minimal cost and maximum design.

In late February, my mom, her boyfriend Lester, and their truck containing enough equipment to open both a tool shop and design studio arrived! While I know they really wanted to come and hang out with me, I immediately put them to work putting together a storage space in my living room.

If you look closely at the above picture, you will see the awkward alcove stuffed full of boxes. The space was too small to fit any of my furniture, and because it didn't have a window, I wasn't a fan of making into a reading corner like I ended up doing in my bedroom.

So Lester and his saw worked together, and along with some shelving materials from Office Depot, put the alcove to good use as both a storage unit and bathroom for Annie:

Now that we solved the storage issue, we had to make it look good! This is where my mom came in. We stained a long wooden curtain rod, spanning the length of the sliding patio door and storage unit. My mom then sewed curtains for me using some off-white upholstery material she had left over from a project at her house, along with some gorgeous fabric I purchased.

The end result is more than I could have expected. The curtains soften the room and serve a practical purpose. Getting closer and closer to my housewarming cocktail party with all of this work ... oh, and my mom and Lester are available for hire. Lester really likes Sierra Nevada ...

powder room

I have been slacking in a major way on the blog front. Life ... why must you be so hectic??? I am currently in Albuquerque for work and have a few minutes to spare here and there so I will try to get a couple of posts on the new place up and several people have asked to see the progress!

While not excitng, below are pictures of my bathroom, which has two distinct areas - a vanity and a separate shower/toilet room. Painting the bathroom is not in my plans right now so I needed to find a color scheme that complimented the beige paint and white baseboards.

About a year ago, my mom gave me the most gorgeous shower curtain. I had never put it up at my old place because quite frankly, it was too nice. Now that I have my own place, I was so excited to have it serve as the focal point of my new bathroom!

Armed with a Tiffany blue and chocolate color scheme, I set to work decorating the rest of the bathroom. I found a chocolate and silver bathroom set at a Restoration Hardware outlet and then painted a wood shelf I already had to match the decor. I was able to incorporate a vase and onion grass I already had ... and my beloved Buddha canvas I have had for years.

oh do you know ...

I just made the most amazing muffins ever. I am not exaggerating. Not in the slightest. Don't worry, I am going to share the recipe with you because I am nice like that. At first glance, you might think they sound, well, different. And not in a good way. But trust me, or Giada ... whatever, the combination of flavor strikes the perfect balance between sweet and savory, with a bit of citrus and crunch from the toasted almonds.

And so I present to you ... Olive Oil Muffins.

when the saints go marching in ...

I hope the Saints win ... regardless, I'll be eating these cupcakes.

happy 27th!

My baby sister is no longer a baby ... today is her 27th birthday. It seems surreal to me. She will always be my baby sister. I have friends who are her age, some even younger, but they seem older to me. Not because my sister is immature, but because she's my baby sister.

When she learned how to drive - I couldn't believe it. Graduated high school? No way! The fact that she is now in her late twenties is beyond comprehension.

Throughout our lives, she and I have butted heads. We are both stubborn. Both controlling. Different, and yet very similar. In the past few years, we have worked hard to build a mature relationship ... a friendship, and it makes me happy.

So happy birthday baby sister ... friend.

priceless

One of my biggest regrets in life is that I never studied abroad. I always so intent on graduating in four years ... okay, my parents were too since USC is not known as a bargain school .. that I never made time for it. My friend Emily on the other hand spent almost two years abroad in both Costa Rica and Spain.

I was lucky enough to visit her in Spain and we had such a great time ... we visited Madrid, Valencia, Tarragona, Barcelona, and Granada. To this day, Spain remains one of my favorite countries.

Apart from the Alhambra, one of the most-visited sites in Granada (located in the south of Spain) is the Sacromonte neighborhood, famous for its flamenco dancers. While visiting there, I came across a street vendor selling personalized paintings of flamenco dancers and matadors. I instantly fell in love with them and bought one to take home with me.


The poster cost me $1.50 - the framing was close to $300, but almost ten years later, it is still one of my favorite pieces of art I own. I don't know why ... the colors, the sound of the Spanish text at the bottom, the memories associated with it? I just know that everytime I look at it, it makes me smile.


Last weekend, I hung it up in my new bedroom and it reminded me that this purchase was the best $1.50 I've ever spent.

my name is andrea and i'm an alcoholic ... not really

How sad is this? Everytime my 1 1/2 year old goddaughter Kate sees a wine glass, regardless of where she is, she points at it and says, "It's Auntie's!"

I swear I don't drink that much!

big sister

One of my earliest childhood memories was the afternoon my sister Molly had a seizure. She was a baby, not even six months old (or at least that's how old she was in my memory), and had German Measles. I was home with just she and my mom and I vividly remember seeing paramedics run through our living room and my mom being very upset. It scared me. It still scares me.

In spite of any sibling rivalry, jealously, fights, and crying ... I always though of myself as my sisters' protector. I was the leader and they were my followers who would do and play as I said. And why??? Because I'm the big sister! But it wasn't necessarily the power that I craved. Being the big sister made me feel needed. It make me feel loved. My dependence on my sisters was far greater than their dependence on me.

Age changes things and eventually the boss becomes the bitch. No matter how good my intentions or hard I loved. My sisters began to forge their own path in life, making their own decisions, whether I agreed with them or not.

Recently, one of my sisters stopped talking to me and shut me out of her life. She announced that she no longer liked me and asked members of her soon-to-be new family to shut me out as well. I think at first I was in shock. I tried to make her like me, but it didn't matter, she had made up her mind. She will not talk to me, except for brief emails to tell me I am too controlling.

I wish both of my sisters could understand what it feels like to be the older sister. Everything's your fault even when it isn't. Rules are stricter, curfews earlier. The temper and the frustration and the want for everything to be perfect. Even when it isn't.

When I think back on my childhood, I remember the nice things I did for my sisters. Reading them books. Playing in the pool. Watching Ferris Bueller. But I also remember the unpleasant things I did. The horrible things I said. The meanness. The manipulating and bossing.

I wish I could take back all the times I hurt them. Tried to keep them little so I could tell them what to do, how to behave, who to be.

They are adults now. The lead their own lives. They don't need my guidance. But it still hurts. They will always be my little sisters and literally everything I did, mean or nice, good or bad, was because I loved them more than I loved anything else in this world.

Knowing that one of your sisters doesn't like you hurts more than I can explain. I hope none of you ever know what it feels like. I don't know how to make it not hurt. Don't know how to stop thinking about it.

I don't know how to stop being a big sister.

home SWEET home!

Okay, so clearly I have been slacking on the blog-front, but honestly, I have a good excuse! I MOVED :)

This move has been a long time coming, but now that is has arrived, it is a welcome change, although I only moved about 5 blocks away. I now live in a gorgeous complex complete with ocean views, pool, spa, game room, etc. Oh, and did I mention I now live ALONE???!!!

I promise to be better about posting, but for now, here is my decorating work so far ... still a ways to go, but making progress every day!

Kitchen Before

Kitchen After

Dining Room Before

Dining Room After

Living Room After (for some reason, no before pictures)