big sister

One of my earliest childhood memories was the afternoon my sister Molly had a seizure. She was a baby, not even six months old (or at least that's how old she was in my memory), and had German Measles. I was home with just she and my mom and I vividly remember seeing paramedics run through our living room and my mom being very upset. It scared me. It still scares me.

In spite of any sibling rivalry, jealously, fights, and crying ... I always though of myself as my sisters' protector. I was the leader and they were my followers who would do and play as I said. And why??? Because I'm the big sister! But it wasn't necessarily the power that I craved. Being the big sister made me feel needed. It make me feel loved. My dependence on my sisters was far greater than their dependence on me.

Age changes things and eventually the boss becomes the bitch. No matter how good my intentions or hard I loved. My sisters began to forge their own path in life, making their own decisions, whether I agreed with them or not.

Recently, one of my sisters stopped talking to me and shut me out of her life. She announced that she no longer liked me and asked members of her soon-to-be new family to shut me out as well. I think at first I was in shock. I tried to make her like me, but it didn't matter, she had made up her mind. She will not talk to me, except for brief emails to tell me I am too controlling.

I wish both of my sisters could understand what it feels like to be the older sister. Everything's your fault even when it isn't. Rules are stricter, curfews earlier. The temper and the frustration and the want for everything to be perfect. Even when it isn't.

When I think back on my childhood, I remember the nice things I did for my sisters. Reading them books. Playing in the pool. Watching Ferris Bueller. But I also remember the unpleasant things I did. The horrible things I said. The meanness. The manipulating and bossing.

I wish I could take back all the times I hurt them. Tried to keep them little so I could tell them what to do, how to behave, who to be.

They are adults now. The lead their own lives. They don't need my guidance. But it still hurts. They will always be my little sisters and literally everything I did, mean or nice, good or bad, was because I loved them more than I loved anything else in this world.

Knowing that one of your sisters doesn't like you hurts more than I can explain. I hope none of you ever know what it feels like. I don't know how to make it not hurt. Don't know how to stop thinking about it.

I don't know how to stop being a big sister.